This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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