Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
