just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I could make wine with my vomit
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
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