Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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