i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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