Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
