Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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