My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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