My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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