We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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