and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
