How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
