My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
