The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
These tits shall not be calmed
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
its liver damage thursday
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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