I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
