I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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