This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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