Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
