i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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