A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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