so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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