you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize