Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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