So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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