Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Randomize
