Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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