Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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