I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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