I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
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