nutella sex= disaster
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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