you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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