apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
