and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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