I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
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