how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
