woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
