when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize