I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
