I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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