I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize