I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
