how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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