so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
