I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
