either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Randomize
