Dude my mom stole all your condoms
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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