yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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