Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
