Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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