Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
