girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
It was like giving head to a cactus.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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