We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
