Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
