So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize