Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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