At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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