she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
