Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
