I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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