We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
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